Friday, June 18, 2010

Something is missing....

In the wee hours of the morning, I have just finished the last touches on my packing. I have everything I need and I even created a checklist so I would be 100% that nothing was left behind before heading off to the competition tomorrow.
I have everything except a bag to put it in. Ugh! That's right I have everything laid out but I just cant decide what bag to put it in!
 This happens to me every night before a big event. The last time this happened was five years ago when I decided the take the MCAT. The eve before the MCAT I couldn't stop thinking about something I had read earlier in the day. I was so fixated on that "something else" that I could not focus on the big day ahead. I stayed up all night thinking about it and woke up exhausted.

What is that that? Why is that? Self sabotage maybe? Am I doubting myself and looking for a reason not to follow through? After ALL of my work, scheduled workouts, daily meal planing, Sunday sprints on the track, the turning down of countless social invites, I am now unable to decide on what suitcase to use!

Things are different this competition. I was a lot more focused that I ever was before. I took risks in places I never did before. I sought out nutritional talents to guide me through and practiced posing hours upon hours for months on end.

This is also the first competition that my parents will not be attending. I never thought about what it meant for them to be there until I realized that they wouldn't be. Its not anyone's fault per se, but I understand their busy traveling schedules and they understand my busy work/ training schedule. They are doing a lot of wonderful workshops and training seminars over the next month and rest and recovery is crucial after all that traveling! I put no pressure on them or anyone else to attend as I wanted it to be an effortless event for anyone.

Truth of the matter, is that I know when I walk out on the stage my mother's eyes will not be peering upon me and me makes me a little sad I guess...daddy too.

With that being said, I know they will be with me. I will be wearing my Health Care Reform/ Obama T-shirt in honor of my dad (when I'm not on stage ofcourse) and somehow I'm going to pull off the "Crab Most Muscular" on stage for my mother (her favorite body building pose).

But in Case I Cannot, This is for you MOMMY!

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